ding.

My bags are unpacked. My journal is filled. My last daily letter was opened. My first shower at home has been taken. My pictures are up on Facebook. I guess I'm officially home...

I got back Friday night...so unreal. My last week in Malawi was really good. There was a lot of hanging out, debriefing, and just enjoying the time we had left. Monday through Wednesday we went to Lake Malawi. It was so beautiful. Tuesday and Wednesday morning I woke up early to watch the sunrise...if you're ever in Africa, check on the sunrise. I highly recommend it. Thursday we left, and Friday I landed in Jacksonville. So crazy that it's over. If you've read before, you have seen how I struggled, how I had to lean on God for everything. And oh, this was by far the hardest thing I've ever done, but I would not trade these past 2 months for anything. It was worth it. It was so worth it. All the pain, the heartache, the strife, and the struggles were worth going through and are completely outweighed by what the Lord has revealed to me.

One of my last letters from a friend mentioned Dueteronomy 2:7-- The LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything.

I feel like this very accurately describes my experience in Malawi. At the beginning of my trip, I came across several verses about the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years. They doubted God's good intentions and complained that it would have been better for them to stay in Egypt. Right away, I realized that Chiwengo was my desert, and in fact, I spent exactly 40 days there this summer. Chiwengo was rough and I doubted God's good intentions in the beginning and throughout my time, but God was faithful and just. He watched over me the whole time and provided in ways I could never have imagined. It was just a very good closing verse to the 2 months. 

Coming back home has been quite the adjustment. I feel off, like I'm stuck between two worlds. It is a tough place to be. There is a tension between poverty and excess, and it is a tension that I have been trying to work through. 

I've been struggling with how I can accurately convey all that I've seen and learned. How can I do it in such a way that the people I encounter back here in the States will understand it? My trip is so much more than what I did. It is more than tutoring kids, going to a village for outreach, or leading house devotions. It is about seeing children run up to you when you walk into their village because they are so eager for love, affection, and hope. It is about getting to see 88 of God's miracles everyday and knowing that God chose you to love on them in the homes at Chiwengo. It is about seeing God in the sunrises and the sunsets and knowing that He is good and that He is present in the midst of suffering. But how can I convey the feeling you get when a child says your name, when you walk through the tall grasses and know that this is all God's, when you see the suffering and know that the Lord of the universe holds them in His hand? I don't think I ever could. But, oh how I wish I could. How I wish I could describe the depth and the extent of what I experienced. And while I don't think I ever could, I would love to try.

I would love to return to the place that has captured a piece of my heart, to the country that has opened up a whole new world for me. It is a world that has been here all along, but it is a world that I was unaware of. There is so much going on in this world that we are unaware of--overseas, in our country, and even in our neighborhood. A huge key is that you will only see as much of God as you want to see. You will only see as much of the suffering that you want to. Will you chose to let God open your eyes to Him and what He wants you to do? 

Even though my internship is over, my journey is not. It has just begun in a way. We hear it so much that there is an opportunity every moment of every day to be an offering. It's true, and I want to take hold of that. The faces of the hurting, the broken, and the suffering are the same no matter where you are in this world. So because of that, I am challenging myself to look in my everyday life for the things I saw when I was in Malawi. And I would challenge you all to do the same. I can't just come back home and relish/obsess over my time in Africa. I have to join in on His work here. Like I mentioned, my journey has truly just begun...

God didn't need me this summer in Malawi. But He chose me. And that fact that HE chose ME blows my mind, and I am so incredibly thankful that He did. This has changed my life in so many ways, and it is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. 

In addition to thanking God, I owe a huge thanks to all of you here in the States. Without your partnership, without your prayers and support, I would not have been able to have this experience. I would not have been able to go; I would not have been able to make it through. It was such an encouragement to have people back home praying for me, and even more amazing to have people I have never even met partnering with me. It was truly humbling, and I am so honored. Because of YOU, I was able to hold the hand of a child who so desperately needed love, to bring a smile to a malnourished kid's face, to serve Him in ways I never thought possible. Thank you. Thank you so much. I will never be able to express my gratitude or repay you for all that you helped me to do. 

I'm sure I'll be posting more in the next several days and weeks. Like I mentioned before, my pictures are up on Facebook if you want to see them. We will be creating a website for all the interns to post their pictures. I will post that link when it's available. 

If you are interested in hearing more about my trip, please let me know. Call me, email me, leave a comment, facebook me. I would love to tell you everything. 

If you want to learn more about COTN/find out ways to get involved, please check out their website. It is an amazing organization and one that I am excited to continue to partner with. 

Grace and peace to you all,

Kristen

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday -isaiah 58:10

a time.

So this week was a week of lasts…last bucket bath, last trip to the borehole, last house devotion, last day without running water, last day of tutoring, etc. It was a really weird week. I just can’t believe our ministry work is over. Well, really, our work is never over. Right now, I’m back at Njewa—we’re just hanging out here. Monday through Wednesday we will be at Lake Malawi. Thursday we leave. It will be good to just relax and reflect before we get home.

This week was pretty normal-house chores, devos, tutoring, a lot of just hanging out with the kids. Thursday we got to hike Kasunugu Mountain ( a local mountain) with about 25 of our kids. It was really tough—the altitude is killer for girls who live at sea level ha, but it was so worth it. The view from the top was so beautiful. We just hung out, ate lunch, and worshipped God at the top. It was a great way to spend the last full day at Chiwengo.

Yesterday we had to say goodbye…and it was awful. We were all in weird moods, including the kids. It was really hard when we saw them cry or they said they were sad. We had a final goodbye program with everyone right before we left. We sang and there were a few speeches. I got up and said a few things on behalf of the interns. After that, all the interns had to line up at the front while they sang a goodbye song and hugged us one by one. It was one of the worst things ever, and it was so hard to be strong and not cry. One song the kids would sing said “I’ll meet you in Heaven and we’ll sing songs together.” Even though I would love to come back, this could very well be the last time I may get to see these kids. It was tough, and even though it stinks that it was so hard, it means that God did something. Our hearts were touched. If it were easy, nothing really moved in us.

Friday morning I got to talk for a while to my favorite house parent, Donald. Of course he hopes that I come back, but he also said that it is time for me to go home, to be an ambassador. The best thing I can do now is to tell people what we’ve seen and about COTN. I am part of the COTN family now and part of my purpose in going home is to tell others about this ministry, about these children. I am nervous about going home. I know I’m going to be overwhelmed and very frustrated at times. I absolutely love the simplicity of life here. As soon as I go home, I’m going to be thrown into a whirlwind. However, as tough as it will be, it is God’s plan. I was brought here to be changed, and He’s calling me to something else now, to go back, to bring this change back home. My world is so much bigger now. Malawi is one of the least developed countries in the world, with the majority of people living on 50 cents a day. I have seen extreme poverty, and it now has a face. I have stared at it in the eyes. I have held its hand. I know its name. All of this would be a waste if I forgot this, if I went home and nothing was different. I can’t forget this—the people, the way I’ve seen God move, the things He’s done in my heart. God wants me home now, to serve Him there. And as sad as leaving is, I’m excited to tell others about these children and this country that have captured a piece of my heart.

Continue to pray for us during these next few days at debriefing and for our adjustments back home. I’m sure it will be an emotional couple of days. Thanks for everything. I love you and miss you all, and I’ll see you real soon.

there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance -ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

james 1:4

Well, I'm sitting in Paradise (or Njewa as we call it) as I type this. We came up yesterday for the weekend. One of the national staff members got married today so we got to go to that. Went to the ceremony this morning and back for dancing at the reception in a few hours. Cool stuff. Now onto a recap of the past week...

Well right after I posted last Thursday something happened that completely broke me down. I'm better now but I reached my breaking point. It was a long time coming--I hadn't broken down and cried since the first night in Chiwengo. We've always asked "If you had a ticket home, would you go?" And I have always said no, but Thursday I would have said yes. Satan was attacking me and discouraging me so much. I was realizing how long I'd been gone and how much time I have left. And I didn't know how I could do any more. I was forced once again to rely on God and find my strength in Him. It's really hard because usually when Satan's a punk, I can tell someone and they'll pray, but you can't do that here. Your usual support system is gone and that really rocks your world. I was really learning about how to find sole comfort from God alone because people just couldn't fix it--here or at home. Because of that breakdown and everything in general, I've been learning so much about perseverance. Even though it's tough sometimes, I can do this. God will give me strength.

I mentioned before that the kids had exams and were studying for them. Well, we found out their scores this week and all the kids I tutor passed. I was so proud. They'll move up to standard 7 in Sept.

The kids were on break this week, the aunties were gone, and we had 2 teams in so it was a crazy wee. One team was from Hawaii and spent most of their time doing outreach with the Jesus Film. I had the chance to go with them Tuesday to a showing of it. It was so cool. We did outreach with the kids. I was partnered with 2 of the Hawaii team. They were a bit unsure what to do so I helped with games and songs and then let them take over for the message. I kinda just wanted to facilitate since it was their thing, and I just loved standing back and watching God work through them. Leading teams has been something I've wanted to do for a while and I'm really considering it more. I'd love to plan trips and lead them. A trip out to Chiwengo would be sweet. Any takers? Ha.

I got sick Wednesday. It just came out of nowhere. So Wed and Thurs I spent all day in bed. We took my temperature Wednesday and I had a fever. I just cried as I saw the numbers go up because it's not fun being sick in another country. I was miserable and bummed I missed out on the kids, but I had a lot of time to think. It's hitting me more and more that this is coming to an end, how much I'll miss these kids, how I'll miss AFrica. Even though this has been the hardest thing I've ever done, this has been my home for the past several weeks and I have loved my experience. This is a part of me. The kids have been asking when we're leaving. I think we're going Sat morning or Fri night for good. It's going to be hard to say goodbye, and we aren't supposed to cry in front of the kids. Just please pray for strength in regards to that. I've been preparing myself for the whirlwind of emotions I'll be experiencing these next 2,3,4 weeks--the goodbyes, the excitement of going home, adjusting back to the States and school, processing what I've been through and what has happened to me. I've definitely changed. I'm definitely stronger than I was before. And I think differently about things now. God has revealed a lot to me and I know he has a lot left to reveal in this last week of ministry, my last week in Africa, and the weeks at home. Thanks for the prayers. Til next time...

perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything -james 1:4